Snakes on a Plane (2009)

Look, if I wanted to watch one of the greatest movies of all time... "Citizen Kane" or "The Godfather" or "Jean de Florette" or "Airplane!", I would have stayed home with my DVDs. No. If I wanted subtle man-versus-vermin psychological horror, with organ music, I would have stayed home and listened to William Conrad as "Leiningen vs. The Ants".

No. No, no, no! I wanted to go out on a Friday night and I wanted to see snakes on a plane. Mo'fo' snakes on a mo'fo' plane. And that is exactly what I got.

The problems with this movie are very few. Number one, the main character in this movie is a surfer dude but the movie was shot in British Columbia. That's not a problem. Good second unit photography will have you convinced that you're on Waikiki Beach, and you didn't come to this movie to see surfer dudes, anyway. You wanted to see a CGI plane battling turbulence, and really vicious CGI snakes.

Number two, it takes about 20 to 30 minutes for the snakes to get out into the cabin and start rearing and biting. That's not a problem either. Make a list of every delicate body part you'd expect a snake to bite, and once the snakes get out, game on. You're waiting for the big python to show up? Well, that's at least an hour wait, but once he's out, game on.

Number three, it takes Samuel L. Jackson so long to drop That Line that you almost wonder if he's not ever going to say it. Again, not a problem.

Look, this movie was probably first-drafted in screenwriting class. The writers care way too much about their reluctant FBI witness to a mob hit scenario, when the audience just wants snakes. Snakes on a plane. And then when we finally hit the airport, you can do a head count of the passengers and figure out who's going to die, how, and when. There's the stuffy British business traveler (I had him pegged as the first to die), the hot-to-trot sexy young couple -the girl's in pink thong panties, the aging flight attendant on her last flight, and the ambiguously gay male steward. Finally, the overweight comedy co-pilot with the Texas accent. The script writes itself.

But it's got snakes. Snakes on a plane. If you took the time to come to this page and rate the movie one or two stars, you clearly didn't realize what movie you were buying tickets to go see and you shouldn't have been there in the first place. If you want to see your awesomely bad snakes on a plane picture, this is literally the only movie to go see.

Sequels: Snakes on a Train. Snakes in Portland, Maine. Snakes in the Drain. Snakes in the Fast Lane. Snakes in the Cold November Rain. Snakes in a Music Video with House of Pain. Snakes in the Batter's Box with Ferris Fain. And finally... Snakes on a Train II. Bring it on!

Snakes on a Plane is one of those wacky, implausible action/thrillers that you get a kick out of, but don't take too seriously. I mean, c'mon, really, on paper the concept of passengers having to deal with crawly reptiles while trapped thousands of feet in the air just shouts out CHEESY! But it somehow works. It has that fun, tongue-in-cheek, popcorn feel of films like Arachnophobia and Tremors. And, like those two films, Snakes on a Plane lives up to its promise of vicarious thrills, as it has enough jump-in-your-seat moments to seem like a wild Magic Mountain ride; that's the kind of rush you get.

And it doesn't take itself seriously. It is what it is: snakes on a plane. But it doesn't hurt that the film has someone of Samuel Jackson's caliber to headline it. Ever since Pulp Fiction, Samuel Jackson has been identified with hipness and has been hailed universally (but mostly by the MTV gen) as the coolest cat around, and whatever vehicle he stars in seems to gain some kind of credibility. Yup, even this decidedly B-level movie.

Very quickly, the plot: When Sean Jones (Nathan Phillips) witnesses a brutal murder in Hawaii, he becomes the lead witness to the prosecution trying to put away arch-criminal Eddie Kim (Byron Lawson). Sean is placed in protective custody, under the eyes of his watchdog FBI Agent Flynn (Samuel Jackson). Sean and Agent Flynn board a redeye flight headed for Los Angeles, where Eddie Kim is currently under close surveillance and where Sean will testify. But Kim has found out about Sean and decides to take care of him by sneaking a crate of venomous snakes on the plane. Now, the plane's vent circulation has been laced with pheromones which rile up these creatures, and when the plane launches and the crate's time release mechanism sets loose the snakes well, the crazy fun is on!

There are so many scenarios you can come up with when you have snakes on the prowl, slithering in a confined area, amongst clueless people, and the writers dreamt up some doozies. There's one particular bathroom scene (no, not the couple making out, the other bathroom scene) that made me really cringe. Also a standout moment was the passenger lady with the barf bag. And biting or squeezing victims (yes, there's an anaconda!) aren't all that these snakes do. They double the jeopardy by getting into the plane's inner mechanisms and wirings and take out the flight's avionics system. And, of course, both pilots succumb to snake villainy. Oh, is there no end to these snake shenanigans?

The acting, like the cheesy plot, is mediocre. Even my ER crush Julianna Margulies is just decent here. The one standout (other than Jackson) is Gerard Plunkett, who has brief moments as a rude-as-hell businessman, who had been ousted from first class. He really got under my skin, which is ironic, because later on...well, you'll see. And how does Samuel Jackson fare, acting wise? The usual. Jackson brings his patented "cool," his ferocity, and his full-on commitment into the role of Special Agent Nelville Flynn. No surprise there. Whether armed with a taser, a fire extinguisher, a harpoon gun, or contemplating using a spork as a weapon, you daren't bet against him.

The death-by-snake sequences are depicted in such a gruesome, graphic manner, yet they're done in such a broad, over-the-top style that the violence is blunted and the scenes go beyond being offensive to being surreal. Let's face it, in the right situations (like in movie theatres), we enjoy being scared. It's kinda like taking that ride in Universal, and King Kong shows up, and you jump and chuckle. Or maybe visiting a fun house. Or, again, like taking a Magic Mountain ride. That's what it felt like to me. And, of course, the audience went wild when Agent Flynn said what everyone had been waiting for: "Enough is enough! I have had it with these *&%(!! snakes on this *&%(!! plane!"

Samuel Jackson vowed on the MTV Movie Awards that Snakes on a Plane will win the best movie on MTV next year. I'm rooting for him. Three and a half stars.

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Snakes On A Plane DVD

Warning not for young children ( if you ever want them to fly ) some frontal nudity and violence galore.

This film does for commercial flying what JAWS did for swimming in the ocean.

Samuel L. Jackson rocked the house with his great acting and line delivery (you know the one), and even the CGI snakes looked really good. I figured the most I would give this film would be 3 stars, but the movie won me over. If you just want to have mindless fun with loads of snakes, a bada** black dude, and some gross out gore with a little boobie action thrown in for good measure, look no further than the aptly titled Snakes on a Motherf**kin Plane!

I especially laughed at the guy draining his hose who had a snake latch onto his tallywacker. Ouch!

Recommended for teenagers and up. Not recommended for small children.

Gunner February, 2008

Read Best Reviews of Snakes on a Plane (2009) Here

My wife made it as far as the point in the film where the python shows up, and then she fled the theater. Prior to that point she had jumped and screamed eight times, hit me four times, and dug her fingernails into my arm three times. She also took several opportunities to tell me that I owed her because I was making her watch this movie, but that was before she got up and left me there alone. To be fair, she did return for the end of the movie, by which time she had apparently reconsidered our situation during that interim period and had upgraded by status so that she now informed me that she owned me and that she would determine how and when I would be made to pay for this.

When I suggested going to a movie today because Friday is (usually) the day that new films show up in town and she asked me what we could go see I had said, "Snakes on a Plane." I had expected her to say "No." Actually I was hoping that she would say, "There is no way that I am going to see that m****r-f********g film about those m****r-f********g snakes on that m****r-f********g plane," but that is simply not her style. So I did not really think she would want to see this film and would maintain that she went of her own free will. However, when I suggested that we would have to own this film when it came out on DVD she told me that would be the day I would be moving out of the house. Consequently, I have to suggest that "Snakes on a Plane" might not be the best date movie currently available at your local cinema.

The premise of "SoaP" (great acronym) is elegantly simple. Sean Jones (Nathan Phillips) witnesses the murder of an L.A. district attorney who is vacationing in Hawai'i. Being flown to Los Angeles to testify against the killer, Jones is in the care of FBI Agent Nelville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson). However, the killer has arranged for what appears to be at least one of every venomous snake on the face of the planet to be let loose during the flight, thereby realizing the title of the film. Also include in the cast are: Julianna Margulies as Claire Miller, the flight attendant who is on her final flight; Flex Alexander as Three Gi's, the rap star aboard the plane; Kenan Thompson as Troy, one of the rapper's two hefty bodyguards; and Rachel Blanchard as Mercedes, who appears to be a Paris Hilton wannabe. Basically everybody on the film is a designed character (e.g., the irate First Class passenger, the newlyweds, the kick boxer, etc.), and when we meet them we are not really trying to learn anything about them, but just calculate their chances of being alive by the end credits (which you should stick around and watch for the music video). Fortunately there are almost as many heroes as there are victims on this particular doomed flight.

Basically, this 2006 film delivers exactly what the title promises. Despite the famous line paraphrased and censored above, Jackson's character does not curse much in this film, which is a shame because nobody curses like Samuel L. Jackson (and that includes the character of Al Swearagen on "Deadwood," and that fellow is no slouch when it comes to the art of the profane tirade). What is important is that they come up with a way for the snakes to start attacking everybody on the plane at once, although we have to build up to that with an initial series of attacks before the snakes hit the fan. I was not happy that they kept making the same mistake several times (leaving one person alone in the cockpit flying the plane), and the green "snake-o-vision" was nothing special, but otherwise I was able to put both logic and reasoning on the back burner for this one. Plus, my wife fled the theater and you just have to round up for any movie that makes that happen.

Want Snakes on a Plane (2009) Discount?

When this movie began production it went by the working title "Snakes on a Plane" with (im sure) every intention on changing that name to something a little less obvious. When the name leaked to the critics and film geeks alike the film took off in a way that is comparable to Star Wars Episode 1. Except with SOAP you don't have a big name director, a blockbuster history or, an endless budget. Just the title, and Samuel L. Jackson. Web sites have been dedicated to the film, influencing and even changing some content of the film. There was no pre-screening for the film to leak any information about it, because lets face it, it's Snakes on a Plane, you know what your going to get. The creaters are nothing if not straightforward.

SOAP itself is about a ruthless criminal lord named Eddie Kim who is due to appear in court on murder charges that could put him away for life. Sean Jones is the witness for the prosecution that experienced Kims' violent ways first hand when he murdered "Mr Prosecuter" as Kim so put it, in Hawaii. Now Sean is set to testify in LA under the protection of one Mr. Nelville Flynn (Jackson) escorting him the entire way.

The movie focuses on the passengers entering the plane giving you the opportunity to size up the victims, pick favorites, and decide who you think best deserves a malicious venom strike to their genitals, which I assure you does happen, a few times. As the movie gets rolling even further you get more cought up so that every peice of narrative becomes this gutbusting punch line to a joke that I don't think any of us fully understand. The point is that its Snakes on a Plane, its already a success, box office numbers or not. This is what Attack of the Killer Tomatos wished it could be. It's a movie that will live and die by its title. It embraces it like a war flag on its way to pilage Hollywood. Like it or not, you know what your in for. Good Snakes, Good Hero, Good Entertainment.

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